two thousand and eight

2008 was a difficult year.

It had its ups and downs,

but mostly downs.

I learned a lot in those 365 days.

I learned that family means more than I previously believed.

I learned that relying on other people to make sense of my own problems is a waste.

I learned that books really can take me away,

but only for a little while.

I learned that if I keep waiting for one person to change my life,

I'll never learn to change it myself.

I learned that I do need help,

that the pain I cause myself isn't normal.

I learned that my friends are brilliant,

but that I can't expect them to fix me.

I learned what I want to do with my life,

to an extent.

I learned that school is my own personal hell.

I learned that debate isn't as bad as last year,

but that I still want to quit.

I learned that I need to start living again.

I learned that none of my problems can be solved without the help of God.

I learned that more than anything else,

I want to make a living with my writing.

I learned how to believe in myself.

I learned that sleep doesn't solve anything.

I learned that trusting people isn't always a good idea.

I learned to love things I used to judge.

I saw myself for the first time in some ways.

Some things were hard to see.

I became addicted to postsecret.

I closed myself off to the people who loved me most.

I opened myself up to people who walked away.

I was happier than I've ever been,

and I was lower than most people could ever imagine.

I had two parties at my house.

I enjoyed one,

cried at the other.

I became closer to people I never thought I would like.

I hurt my best friends.

I hurt myself.

I matured.

I found that writing helps me sort myself out.

I became increasingly anti-social.

I met people who changed me.

I listened to music that opened up my eyes to what actually matters.

I became a diehard fan of Ben Barnes.

I had to say goodbye to people I miss every single day.

I made great grades,

and some terrible ones.

I overcame old insecurites,

and developed new ones.

I became obsessed with the concept of death.

2008 was a difficult year.

I hope that 2009 will be better.

I hope I'll be able to become excited about things again.

I hope I'll be able to face my issues instead of hiding from them.

I hope I'll be able to avoid my low points,

and I hope I can find a way to grow closer to God.

I think I'll be able to sort through some of my problems,

even if I can't do it alone.

I hope I make new friends,

and I hope my intensity stops causing me so much pain.

I hope I fall in love,

but I hope I stop viewing that as the thing that will make my life matter.

I hope I'll be able to get through college stress in one piece.

And I hope I'll start believing in things again.

I hope beautiful things stop scaring me so much.

I hope that when I get depressed,
I won't want to give up.

Most of all,

I hope that it will be enough for me to see the good in myself,

and that I stop finding my self-worth elsewhere.

I hope I make a difference in someone's life.

I resolve to write more,

and write about things that will apply to people other than myself.

I resolve to wake up,

and see the simple beauties life offers me every day.

I'm going to go back to living life on my own terms.

Life's too short.

I am going to remind myself of that every day.

I am going to become a better person.

I am going to rely on Jesus when things get bad.

I am going to live better.

I will make a difference.